Going all out

Women have fucking lives - we have jobs, friends - females and males, we enjoy hitting clubs and bars while our bfs/spouses are at home and spend quality time with other women, we drink beer, some days we might not smell so good or even wear our ugly pjs to the supermarket, we have academic work that we’d like to pursue again someday, our own cars to fix, household fix-ups that require hammers, screws - all that was once restricted to what only men can do, sex lives that we’d like to spice up while dealing with sore tits that are anticipating breast milk, too many books out there that we don’t have time to get to, Wii games that we’d like to play -and much more, but I’m guessing that you’re slowly starting to get my drift.

So if I have to come across another comment or message asking other single women when will they have a boyfriend, a couple on when they are getting married and a married duo on when they will have kids - I’m not going to inflict self pain but rather express my disappointment on how narrow minded these folks are.

Also, being pregnant doesn’t mean that you suddenly lose all abilities to function. I like my life the way it is - a 40hr full time job that demands intellectual, physical, social and emotional effort, a hot husband that I’d like to get it on with as many times we can in a week, crazy choice of music (please! classical for babies? they can’t fucking tell the difference between Mozart and Meatloaf in the womb - if mommy is happy listening to whatever, baby will be happy too), dancing with my crazy girlfriends while staying on alcohol ban (for fetal health’s sake), driving at 65-80mph as and when I need to, eating a healthy meal (pregnancy doesn’t allow you to start being a pig - in fact all you need is 300 calories more a day to feed a growing fetus), wanting to travel to different places (yes a flight from Boston to LA might give enough radiation as a chest CT scan so work out the Math and chill out someplace closer), spending my money on designer handbags or whatever else that doesn’t have anything to do with baby. Bottom line is: you can’t love someone else if you don’t know how to love yourself. Baby is going to be a part of mommy - ONE part out of many parts of mommy. So mommy needs to freaking live her life.

No. 1 request on my baby registry: Qualified, trustworthy babysitters please!

My heart goes out to the many women out there who have lived or are living through mental, physical or emotional abuse within their relationships. You are not alone. You are not at fault. It can all be better if you just forced yourself to walk away. Maybe tonight you might hurt; perhaps tomorrow will bring much sorrow. But I promise you - there will come a time when you can forgive and will move on. But until you take that courageous step towards independence and self-reliance, you will never stop feeling miserable. Even if he is good to you today, who know what he would be like tommorrow? If you don’t exude self respect, how can you hope for others to do the same towards you?

And I know that it isn’t easy. Oh god I know. The first time it happened to me was in November 2000 at the back of Somerset MRT. I loved the man deeply and he betrayed that trust - he hit me that day. Call it a grab by the mouth, call it a reaction of induced anger towards a stubborn girlfriend, call it whatever you want - it is still abuse. My heart stopped beating for that split second. And thank god, thank dear god that my mind took over my heartbreak - I screamed and ran off. If I hadn’t, I would have been talked into staying in a relationship with emotional chains. He couldn’t have possibly loved me that much if he could lay such force upon me. I know it isn’t easy. But if you tell yourself that this is the lesson you are willing to learn and suck it up - there will never be time when you would allow any human being to hurt you that way again. For now, I’d like to say Kudos to me.

Yes, we all talk about love. We reminisce about the moments and years we have spent together. But whatever that have happened in the past - it doesn’t justify you staying on and suffering for the rest of your life. Whoever you are - you deserve only the best. And only you can make it happen.

So here’s a pat on the back for the shitty times that you’ve endured. You have done your part in the relationship. It is time for sunny days filled with lightheartedness. And yes, along with the pat on the back, I’m sending you a kick in the ass too  - just in case you need it to start off the momentum of your "I am in charge of my happiness" operation.

You cannot  receive or give love unconditionally and wholeheartedly if you are not able to do the same for yourself first.

I just have to write this down - before the novelty runs out.

I HAVE BEEN EMPLOYED! Yoo-Hoo. Can’t wait to start. Watch out you RTT monster mamas out there - come June 4th, Sid’s gonna rock the house!

Finally, I am going to take over the Sugah - XXX burden in the house. Babe, look out for your very own SugahMama. I’m taking you shopping honey…for a new car. HAH! Maybe in about a year or two. Since we both know that Prius has a long waiting list..and that I probably will take that long to get over handbag and shoe fetishes of mine…and err..save. YES…SAVE.

Good grief Sid, work first and then think rewards?!

Anyhoo, give yourself a pat on the shoulder. Good. That feels good.

Goodbye sucky $8/hr jobs. Say hello to that Tiffany’s diamond pendant. Hmnn, maybe you can get that one babe? And I’ll get the LV shoes.

It’s a deal.

Just so that there’s a new entry for 2007….

I honestly need a vacation. Now. Right Now.

"Snuzzles" in bed. White soft sand. Frozen peach magaritas. Clear blue ocean.   Breakfasts in bed. Basking in the sun tuned in to the iPod. Long sunset walks. A good read by the pool. Quiet moments of "Oh babe, this is so nice."

Currently, it’s running patients in and out of the CT room. Empty blank stares and sniggerings from silly students in Mathshop. Evening classes that run forever. Administrative work that never ends. Feelings of guilt for getting take-outs. Lazy weekends that go by too quickly. Tiresome conversations. Putting up fronts of "It’s all good".

Oh how I wish I’m in Cancun right now.

Thank me everyone for I have lived one of our secondary school fantasies -       Watching BOYZ II Men LIVE!

OK maybe it’s a little cheesy, especially since everyone had thought that they don’t exist anymore and since I’m 23, I should at least be a little less teeny-boppylike. But whatever, I was doing it for my girls (if anyone would
like to acknowledge the fact that BOYZ II MEN still rock their boats) and for my 13-16 year old self whose ears were glued to the radio waiting for one of their hits to come on 98.7FM.

Oh yesss… I shook both Nate’s and Shawn’s hands! Couldn’t get to Wanya, but that’s ok…2 out of 3 hands isn’t so shabby.

I have to thank Anil for taking the day off to watch his wife screaming and drooling away at 3 other men who were serenading
"i’ll make love to you" to me (and err.. 200 other girls). You were awesome even though for the night I was married to the boyz and you were married to our camera.

I understand that we are all entitled to our opinions so here’s mine: there are blog pages out there which are really dumb.

Not intending to pick a fight with anyone, I feel the need to address some of these dumb comments/thoughts/ideas/lack of ideas that I’ve read today.

1. Dew Thinks - Polygamy should be encouraged and divorce should be discouraged.

Trust me, when someone you love is in the next room screwing the other wife, the only thoughts that will run through your mind is: "Damn that Bastard!". There is NO way you could thank God for that shitty feeling in your stomach.

With any given choice, there comes a responsibility. While I think that it is wrong for two people to consider divorce as their first option to the problems in their marriage, I think people should have the right to make a choice to do so.

2. Too many "hahahas" and "wooohooo" in a sentence in ANY blog page is a crime in the English Language. It is so high school. Get over it kids, grow up a little.

3. When a bunch of educated women look at "shopping" as their reason for existance, solution to all problems and to socially engage with one another - it is worrisome. What has happened to last night movies, talking walks, reading a book and having cheap dinner with friends?

4. Really girls if you want to find rich and good men, Far East, clubs like the M.O.S and the East Coast Beach isn’t the place to go hunting. Trust me, the rich eligible bachelors out there don’t look hang out at Far East checking out girls who waste their day away. It is not their intention to  visit the clubs to find women who they plan to take home to Mommy.  If you want to grow old like a "tai tai",it is your intelligence, personality and emotional substance will get you there.

4. You are NOT being modest if you ever said these words, " Gee I’m so humble that I can hardly believe myself sometimes."

We should try and remember a time when we had sought acceptance from others. There have been and will be moments when our actions and beliefs are hard for others to accept. We had hoped and prayed that the people we love would just understand because we love them and we care about what they think and say. It would be unfortunate if we couldn’t or at least tried to remember that humility we once felt because there might be someone else out there who may one day seek the same from us.

Maybe this is my opportunity to learn acceptance while I’m trying to gain some from others. I must remember that I was once so different from all my peers and relatives. I must not forget the pain of rejection and the unkind words and actions that have been thrown at me. At the same time I must find it in my heart to forgive their ignorance. This is a lesson that will make me stronger in time and enable to be compassionate towards those in the future who will seek my acceptance as well.

Just because I am different, that doesn’t make my actions wrong and/or sinful. It doesn’t turn me into an unethical person without any morals. I have not changed into someone else. The only reason why I am so different in your eyes, is because you chose for it to be so. You chose to alienate yourself from me. Why? In the end, I’m not at loss. I have not been less happy since you did so. It doesn’t make me feel that I have done anything wrong.  You are not helping me become closer to you or your religion. You did it because you see me as a contagious disease that you’re trying to protect your family from. You did it because you are afraid of who I have become and what I would do to challenge you and your beliefs. You did it because you are not strong enough to ask yourself, to search deep within your heart and mind to figure out why I did what I did. You have not mature enough to realize that the world is changing and so must you. And yet, instead of taking some responsiblity onto yourselves, you blame it all on me.

Some day we are ALL going to be somewhat a little different from the people around us. We are never safe from the tides of change. One day, when you come to me for my acceptance of your changes, I will show it to you. But I hope that you will be humbled enough by then, to remember what I have done and in return will show the same kindness to others as I will have shown you.

I am Siti Arfah Azmi who was born a Muslim. I married Anil D. who was born a Hindu. And we will remain as what we are, because we respect each other’s beliefs and differences. I will have children who will flourish in diversity and learn the meaning of unconditional love, acceptance and compassion. You will not be given any opportunity to make them feel the way you made me feel.

I’ll give you one thing though: I assure you that they will be children of God;
whoever God may be.

Renting is awesome. Because any problems that I might encounter with the house, I just need to call the landlord and he’ll fix it. Plumping, heating, hanging up curtain rods, anything you name it - he’s happy to come do it for you. But at some point, I would like my "Homie" to have its real home.

This is what my Homie’s home will look like:

I love the round patio at the corner of the house. I love the mini-corridor where I can place rocking chairs and read books in the summer. I’ll hang a hammock on the patio or have a wooden low swing hanging from it. I’ll spend many warm summer nights cuddling with Anil in it. It’s lovely.

Ohhhh check out the large master bedroom and all that closet space!Will definately add a wooden deck at the back of the house and definately add a mini Little Tikes playground for the kids.

I love the two master bedrooms - one on the main floor and the other on the second floor. A special guest would so love it. Mom and dad would feel so cosy in it. AHH I can’t wait!

OK…stop dreaming. I have 5 f**king papers to write by the end of this week. And I’m actually doing those in my ONE week SPRING BREAK. What happened to the white beaches and oversized pools and tubs? What happened to my waking up at 10am with breakfast served by the door? What happened to taking a VACATION!!!???  Ok… Sid, think straight. My investment in these bloody 5 papers might actually lead us to Homie’s Home. OK..Now it makes more sense. Suddenly spending hours in front of my overheated laptop seems quite comforting.

Chin Up Girl, you’ve got a dream to fulfil, once again.

Dear God,

Just because tommorrow is the overrated Valentine’s Day, I’ll say this prayer out loud.

Please keep Anil and I happy, safe and healthy. Because we already have each other, and that in itself is the greatest gift ever for the both of us - I would like those three things so that we can keep each other company for the rest of our lives.

That’s all.